Of Cassava Bread, Agege Bread and the Transformation Agenda.

By Olusesan Ogunyooye (@sesansoulmate)

Ma’am, are you aware we have refuted claims that Cassava Bread is unhealthy for diabetic patients?

How does that concerns me? I am not diabetes and I am not eat cassava bread. I see it only on News papers and TV when they pose with it at the Federal Executive Council meetings. I also remember that Joe once said he has changed his menu to cassava bread. Well, maybe he now eats out.

Do you mean you don’t serve him cassava bread?

Ask your head.

But it’s such a nice meal. In fact, my wives and children like it. They say it’s better than Agege bread which we use to eat before I came here.

What are you talking about? Has Aso Rock got you dumb too? Why do otherwise wise men become fools when they get in here? Don’t you know that Agege Bread are mostly made from Cassava flour? I know that far back at Okrika. Why are you guys wasting time on nothing? Is the FEC that clueless? I’m sure the ministry of Agric will list that as achievement.

We will set up a committee on Cassava bread soon and they will submit their findings to a commission of inquiry headed by a respectable Nigerian who will submit a white paper to the Agric Ministry on that, then the Agric ministry will set up a committee to make recommendation to Mr. President who will set up committee to make recommendation to the National Assembly.

Ah! All these committees just to ascertain Agege bread contain cassava flour?

That is how the government runs ma. That is why as Special Assistants, we have special assistances.

By the way, I hope you are eating less of it because the nutrition association from where you gathered your facts have no statistics of how many Nigerians are diabetes; you never can tell, you know?  

I’m not diabetic.

But you have eat so many sugars since you got here. Everyday you drink wine out of our N1 billion feeding allowance.

However, it has been established that cassava flour will not increase the glycemic index of bread. In fact, it will reduce diabetes.

Gly... what did you call it?

Glycemic index!

Hey, hey, hey... don’t start plssssssssssss! These are all the Englishes you speak and you get us in trouble every day. The man returns home every evening more confused. All of you just say this and that: fuel substitute removal, tariff increment, rebranding Nigeria; just because you know the poor man knows nothing. God is watching you ooo!

Ma’am, I have told you, it’s fuel subsidy, not substi...

Whatever! You speak the Englishes, I get the allowance. Simple!

But I’m doing my Job. I am the spin doctor. I have silenced every opposition. Your husband knew that before he enlisted me.

Silenced every opposition? Like we silenced you with this appointment? Now you make a fool of yourself. Well, it was a miscalculation to brought you on board because you are an added wahala to this administration. It is either someone is attacking you or the president. I hope this cassava thing will not affect our feeding allowance because your people in the media will start saying; ‘is it not cassava they are eating’?

You see, that is the work of the opposition. They make a mess of every good intention of Mr. President. The cassava bread is an initiative to explore agriculture to increase our GDP. 

Don’t you used to be with the opposition? By the way, cassava bread to increase GDP? The fact that I’m from Okrika doesn’t mean I’m a dunce. You want to increase GDP with cassava bread. How much have you increased it with oil? Where is the money on sub-s-i-d-y since January? Where are the buses you promised the people? How many Nigerians can afford bread; either Agege or cassava? You guys bring all these things that Joe doesn’t understand and you spoil 2015 agenda for us. Are you saboteurs?

Your Excellency, you can’t afford to talk like the opposition.

What else will they say? They have said we are not fit for 2015. They have said we are incompetent. The have said we are the big Boko Haram. So can it get any worse?

Madam we are trying to make Nigerians understand. It is part of the Transformation Agenda, from Agege Bread to Cassava bread. Transformation: isn’t it? 

Yeah, anywhere where una push Joe reach. God is watching you all. But let me ask you; is it true that you guys have transformed nothing all the whole year?

With due respect your Excellency, your husband is in the best position to answer that. I am just his spokes person.

I see. That is why you got him into trouble by insulting the formal General who is a member of the opposition

He threatened the government ma. In fact, I’d advised that he be arrested and tried for felony.

Felo.. what? What has the man said? Did you not threatened in one of your articles when you were one of the hungry journalists, that you were going to stone the sponsors of Fuel Subsidy? Did the heavens fall? Your actions have created more enemies for this administration and drummed support for the General.

You have to learn to forgive ma. I wrote those rubbishes in my days with the ignoramuses. Now I know better.

So since you have nothing to show for this one year; what are you going to write in the Democracy day speech?

Ha ha ha ha! That is very simple ma’am. We have loads of transformations. We came into office with no shoes so we have emptied the treasury to buy Italian shoes. We are strengthening our leads in the north against 2015 by appointing more ministers from the zone – it does not matter if they won’t perform. Our transformation agenda has identified more thieves in government but they were financials of our election, so we can’t bite the finger that fed us. But from 2015, we will prosecute all corrupt officers and Nigerians who steal the common wealth of this nation. That we are indeed sorry that Boko Haram is killing every day, we are setting up committees at different levels to tackle it and consider opening a Ministry of Boko Haram. We are indeed sorry for under-performing in the last one year, it was a time to experiment but now we know better. From after now, we will increase electricity tariff and remove export duty on importation of generators so we can open up the industry for our youths to get employment as sales boys and girls.

You should add that our party is still committed to its vision to rule this nation for the next 60 years.

  

*Please note that errors of the female character in this work is deliberate*.